SILVER TALKS®
SILVER TALKS® is an online conversation for women over 50, where we ask the big questions of ourselves and prominent thought leaders, authors, spiritual luminaries, and health & wellness experts.
Brought to you by, SILVER AWAKENING®, an empowering online platform and community for women over 50 to HEAL though mentorship, TRANSFORM through education, and THRIVE through holistic living — as they step into their SILVER SAGE®.
To learn more, go to www.silverawakening.com
SILVER TALKS®
SILVER DIVORCE: Reclaim Yourself After Divorce
What happens when the life you spent decades building ends—and you’re left wondering who you are without it?
In this episode of Silver Talks®, host Sharon Ryan sits down with SILVER AWAKENING mentor Kay Seelinger for an intimate conversation about reclaiming yourself after divorce—for women navigating this profound transition after 50. Together, they explore why later-life divorce can feel so disorienting, often unraveling not only a marriage but also the identity, expectations and vision of the future a woman may have carried for decades. Kay reframes the question “Who am I now?” not as a call to reinvent yourself entirely, but as an invitation to come home to the woman who has been there all along.
The conversation also explores betrayal, narcissistic relationships and the difficult process of learning to trust yourself again. Kay explains how betrayal can deeply affect a woman’s sense of worth, while emphasizing that another person’s decision to betray is not a reflection of her value. Whether a divorce is high-conflict or relatively amicable, grief, disappointment and loss still deserve to be acknowledged. Rather than rushing toward the “next chapter,” Kay encourages women to give themselves the space and grace to feel what has ended, rediscover their own voice and begin making conscious choices about what they want to carry forward.
Sharon and Kay also share practical ways women can support themselves through the transition, including creating guiding principles, seeking safe community, reconnecting with the body through gentle movement, and remembering that healing does not happen in isolation. Perhaps most powerfully, they remind listeners that grief and joy can exist at the same time—and that what feels like an ending can gradually become a return to self. The woman emerging after divorce is not starting from nothing; she is drawing on everything she has lived, learned and survived to discover just how much possibility is still ahead.
Thank you for listening! Visit us at www.silverawakening.com to learn more.
Hello and welcome to Silver Talks. I'm your host, Sharon Ryan. Silver Talks is an online platform that we created for women 50 and older. It's a place where we come in community. It's a place where we come to share our stories. It's a place where we come to learn about the different transitions that we're facing at this stage in our life. It's a place where we can laugh and cry and just hold each other as we move through this journey together. Today we're in for a very special treat with somebody who is very, very important to the Silver Awakening community. We have Kay Sollinger with us today. She is going to be joining us for an exploration and a talk about reclaiming yourself after divorce. Divorce is a pretty profound experience that we all tend to go through, especially as you're an older woman because so much of your identity has been caught up into this. Kay is going to walk us through some pretty critical points. In addition to having this wonderful conversation with me today, Kay is also one of our mentors. She specializes in betrayal and narcissistic relationships and surviving those things. And she's also building a gorgeous course for us in the spring. We have a working title at this point, which is I'm looking at my notes. Our working title is Navigating High Conflict Divorce. So with that said, Kay, I'm going to welcome you to Silver Talks. And I want to thank you so much for being here with me today.
SPEAKER_03Thank you so much, Sharon. It is such an honor to be here. And I love hearing your introduction. It just warms my heart. I'm so excited for Silver Awakening.
SPEAKER_01Well, we are so excited, and we are excited to have you as part of it. So, okay, we're just going to go jump into the first question. You know, divorce is often described as an ending, obviously. It's a it's a finality of a relationship. And but it also is a huge major transition for all women, all men, you know, depending on where you are inside of that relationship. But more importantly, I want us to focus in on why is it so um, I don't want to use grander, but it has a bigger punch when it kind of is dealing with the age group of women 50 and older. My thoughts on this are twofold. A, we've been probably in relationships a lot longer. It's could be 30 and 40 and 50-year relationships. So that's a part of it. But also if you could speak a little bit to where a woman is at this stage in her life as she enters into that transition.
SPEAKER_03Oh, this is such a big question because there's really no one size fits all divorce at any age. But you're not wrong to zero in on women 50 and over. This is a different stage of life. We are largely exiting raising our kids, or maybe we already have. We are hopefully entering the next stage of life that involves something calmer, something um something just more integrated with our spouse, because that was the whole plan. The whole plan when we got married was to be together. And so when that is cut or the choice was made for us, or even when we make that choice, it's still jarring. And I think that's one of the things that all of us have in common in divorce is this was a huge shift. This is something, whether we saw it coming or not, that reorients everything. And I think when we do that later in life, we were maybe even expecting it less. Like, oh, I didn't realize that the next chapter in my life was gonna look so different than I thought. I thought maybe I was gonna be an empty nester with my partner. I thought maybe we're gonna travel more. I thought maybe, and when it doesn't look like that, it's shocking. And I think that's the piece that it that we all have in common. That's the emotional connection that like brings all of us to the same table in divorce later in life. Because your divorce could have been something that brought you a lot of relief. My divorce could have been a lot more disturbing or devastating. But at the end of the day, we're both dealing with I'm gonna have to reinvent myself. I'm gonna have to do something very different than what I expected.
SPEAKER_01You just gave me the perfect segue for my next question. I mean, just the perfect segue. So as this divorce becomes a loss, which um goes beyond the relationship, can you speak to the identity, like a woman's identity inside of that moment?
SPEAKER_03Oof. I think that's the hardest part about it. If we're getting right down to what is the hardest part of divorce later in life, it's right, who am I? Because I thought I was this person for so long, and then this thing happened, and now I'm gonna have to. We often call it like reinvent myself, but I'd like to call it finding ourselves. I think we were all there. Yes, yeah. I think as disorienting as a divorce process can be and traumatic, which we can come back to if we want to, right? I just think, you know, when we when it comes down to it, we have got to notice and get curious about the person I always have been, because I lost touch with her. It's not that she's lost forever or that I'm about to become a completely different person, not that kind of reinventing. I think it's a finding and a coming home to ourselves. Who have I always been?
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_03What are the parts I had to hide? Maybe what are the parts that didn't get airtime in my marriage for lots of different reasons?
SPEAKER_01I love that.
SPEAKER_03Can I come home to her? Because otherwise, I think it's way too disorienting to go. I've got to go out there and figure out who I am. No, I don't. I'm right here. I just need to find who that person is and always right.
SPEAKER_01I love this because so much with Silver Awakening is about that, right? I mean, that's the whole purpose why we built this thing, you know, is to help women, you know, you you said something really, you know, really important in that in that response, in that we're coming back to ourselves, we're we're figuring out who we are. And you know, we could we bring ourselves in through all these stories, right? You know, I'm I'm a mother, I'm a wife, I'm a this, I'm a that, I'm all of these things. And when a major primary relationship moves out of the way, and divorce is a big one, and especially for boomers, you know, you get the the boomers and the gens, uh, or the Joan generation now that they're referring to, the late boomers, you know, we were still built with a legacy. We were it was banged into our brain. You marry, you marry for life, that's it, this is it, you know, no divorce, no that. And you just suck it up, girl. Suck it up, girl. So, you know, we're gonna we're gonna circle back around to that, but this is this is fun a different question for me. So I want to ask you because silver divorce, which is a really big, huge thing right now, um, and it really started taking off during COVID when everybody was hunkered down and had to be with one another in your experience, in your practice with your clientele, you know, what happened? Like what shifted? Like just was it the fact that we were like stuck with one another for 24 hours a day, or what what was it that launched this whole silver divorce? I don't want to call it like um what's the word I'm looking for? Like a, you know, um, like a firestorm, but it's a lot. I mean, it's it really is. So can you speak to that?
SPEAKER_03I almost want to say some things take time to expose themselves. And so if we've been in a marriage for 20, 30, 40 years, sometimes it takes that long for things to come out and to come up that aren't congruent with who we are. And it's just that could have been me, that could have been you in the relationship, maybe it was both of us.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03But it takes, especially, let's throw kids into the mix. If we've been busy raising kids for 20 odd years or more, then we've been busy, literally been busy. Distract and COVID itself probably exposed a lot of things. I think a lot of us talk about that, like it just forced the issue on some things, and maybe we didn't want to be stuck together, or maybe we realized, you know, I don't want to spend too much time on COVID. But yeah, this person, I don't know if it's working. This is a working. Yeah. And let's throw in like whether we call it a midlife crisis or something else. Yeah, we we change over time. Yeah, we can. And we're not supposed to be the same person we were in our 20s and 30s, 40s. Regardless of when we got married, we're not the same person today that we were when we got married. And I also hope not, right? We want to be changing and evolving. And so when we're not changing and evolving in the same direction or in a compatible way, then that is gonna lead to some discord. And for those of us here today, actual divorce. This isn't working anymore for me.
SPEAKER_01So I'm gonna I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna pull it back in because one of the one of the things that um you you really worked, you said the statement earlier is who am I now? Who am I now? So can you talk to your work with women and how how you start to help them discover who are they in this moment?
SPEAKER_03Oh, this is maybe one of my favorite questions in the work that I do with women or with anyone, because it it can broaden outside of the scope of divorce, but it's especially pertinent in the context of divorce. This question of who I am requires us to look back and go, who have I been? What do I know about my young self, my teenage self, my young adult self? What did I learn? Who raised me? What values do I have? And then usually today I'm asking that question, who am I? Because something has blown up or shifted. The who I've known myself to be thus far isn't working with today. Otherwise, I wouldn't be asking the question. Right. I would just be moving along, going, oh, that's who I am. And it makes sense and it fits. When it no longer fits, I like to look at where we came from and then where did that get me today? What um characteristics do I have and like? Which ones do I have that I don't like? What's been working in my life, in my relationships, in my work, what's not been working, and just kind of evaluate and kind of throw it all out there and then go, what do I want to do with that? And one of the biggest pieces in this is recognizing how much choice we have. Because so often I've done trauma work with folks for a long time. Yeah. So often we think all this stuff back here in our time timeline is dooming us to something today. It is just like our lot in life.
SPEAKER_01Right. Oh, that's a very interesting perspective.
SPEAKER_03And that keeps us stuck, and that limits hope, and that keeps us not able to answer the question, who am I? Who am I going to become? If I'm not going to get curious about dismantling it, pulling it apart, and then moving forward with something that I chose. There's a huge piece of agency in this that matters a lot when you're asking that question. Because when I ask who am I, and I think someone else is going to answer it for me, maybe my spouse told me for a long time who I am, maybe you know, my friends or kids or job, then I'm not in charge of myself. I'm in charge of myself when I choose to take control of that question, and then I can move forward. Who do I want to be? When I looked at all those parts, my values, my characters. What did I like and not like? What do I want to take and leave? I get to choose a lot more than I think I do.
SPEAKER_01Oh my God. That's gorgeous answer. Gorgeous answer. I wish I had had you when I was going through my divorce.
SPEAKER_03That's a piece of it. I don't think we can do this alone. This is a thing we have to do in community.
SPEAKER_01Right. And you know, that goes back to, you know, the silver circle that you lead on um divorce and separation. The whole premise of these circles is to bring together a group of women to share their shared experiences so that they know they're not alone. And, you know, and the fact that they're led by a facilitator, a mentor that is well-versed and educated and does this for a living. Now, you know, we we do not it our our silver circles aren't therapy, um, but they're just they're communal spaces where we can just kind of combine our all of our efforts together. So I just want to put a little plug into that. Because of your area of spec um special your specialty in betrayal and narcissism, I want to ask you a very specific question. And and this is, I know this could take a long time, but you know, just a general kind of surmising this. If if you have a person who presents to you who has has experienced an incredible betrayal or has been on the and now is coming out of the other end of a very abusive narcissistic relationship, one of the key things that I found in my work, and including my own experience, is the ability to trust what I think about something. If I was coming on the other side of that, how do you help women um find their voice again inside of that?
SPEAKER_03Oh, your questions are getting like closer and closer to my absolute favorite topic because helping women get close to their voice is absolutely at the core of why I do what I do. I would not be here if it weren't for the women in my life who have done that with me and for me. And the betrayal piece is such a huge topic that is not talked about enough.
SPEAKER_01No, at all.
SPEAKER_03At the very core of betrayal is I trusted someone, my partner and spouse, to reflect back to me who I am, my worth, my goodness. And they didn't do that. They betrayed that. They actually did the exact opposite. So the person that I had been trusting to not just love me and care for me, but to literally reflect me back to me accurately, they did a bad job. And they not only did a bad job, but usually over time with betrayal, we believe them. We believe the story that how they treat us is what we're worth. I think that's the stickiest part of betrayal. I'm gonna say something unpopular, but I deeply say it, deeply believe it. Say it our partner's betrayal has nothing to do with us.
SPEAKER_01Never. I mean 99% of the time, I would say.
SPEAKER_03Not until we're in charge of other people's choices, which is never, right? Could we say that had something to do with me? And I'm not speaking to like how did you contribute to the the falling apart of your marriage, let's that's not even what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_01I'm saying thank you for yeah, thank you for differentiating that.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, okay, because no one is we're all imperfect. That's I think we're supposed to be imperfect.
SPEAKER_01100%.
SPEAKER_03But your partner didn't betray you because you're imperfect, right? Or because you left the light on too much, or because you're angry sometimes, or because it was nothing that you did that made them choose to betray you.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_03And that is a hard one to let land, but I think it's an absolutely necessary one. Because until I do, until I land with this is not mine, then I'm chasing after it. And I'm trying to take care of it, or I'm trying to mend it, or I'm trying to make sense of it. And I'm when I go, that's not even mine. Then I am free to do my part. I'm left with the and the hurt and the loss. Yes. Yes. But I can't, I can't heal until I land on that's not mine. I didn't do that to me or to right.
SPEAKER_01Well, now let me, because this is a very, you know, this is a very betrayal in and of itself is a very interesting subject because I kind of think, um, and I am not a therapist at all, but I kind of think that when a woman has been on the receiving end of a major betrayal, that she harbors some level of guilt or shame around her partner doing this thing because she, you know, I I I'll speak to my own experiences because like, where was I not enough that this thing happened? Where was I not enough? And so this shame and this guilt, you know, starts to coalesce inside of her and it's so destructive because it's got nothing to do with her, her lanes clean here. That's on them. That's what you're saying. It's on them.
SPEAKER_03And that is exactly what happens. We end up as the victim or the one betrayed. We say, it must have been something I did or didn't do. It must be because I'm not enough. It must be, and maybe a conversation for another time is absolutely back to all of these messages we got when we were younger.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely.
SPEAKER_03Like I got that I wasn't enough, or I'm not lovable, or I'm not. And so it it trudges up this stuff in us and activates it, and we believe it and we go, it must be that I'm not enough. Because my brain is trying to make sense of why this person would do that. And that's also part of why it's hard to let go of it not being my responsibility, is because when it's not my responsibility, there's nothing I can do with it or about it. And initially that feels disempowering, but really that can free us up to go, look what I don't have to do anything with. It hurts. I will take care of and heal my pain and my loss. But their actual betrayal and their actions are not mine and they have nothing to do with me.
SPEAKER_01So let me take it down a little bit of a different path here, you know. Um betrayal, narcissism, big, big, big juggernauts, big ones inside of a collapse of a marriage. Let's say we have a marriage, let's say we have a marriage that has run its course in time. We've grown in different directions. Kids have gone. We got nothing. I mean, like there's just no matter what we do, we can't sort of figure out how to plug ourselves back into each other. We're just we're just not there anymore. So then you have sort of this sort of like almost like a mutual collaboration on marriage that says, okay, we're not working anymore. We, you know, we had a good run, we've raised a beautiful family, we can be friends moving forward or not, whatever. But you know, for right now, you know, it's that we're gonna go to the woman that's inside of that situation, and I'm gonna go back to the word that you used, agency, because she has sort of agency inside of that decision making because it was more co it was more collaborative. Do you find that when you're working with women like that, that they they are really um, I want to use the word a little bit more excited about what's gonna happen in this next chapter of their life as opposed to and I mean, I know that this is the answer's obvious. I mean, I'm I'm already hearing it in my head, like the answer is so obvious. But really, let's talk about that because you know all of the women that are gonna be coming to us are coming from all these different backgrounds. But we need to understand that at the core of it, you know, we're all still experiencing a huge transformative moment in our life, and especially. As we're older women moving through this. Do you want to speak a little bit about that? And just not the one better or the other, because it's not. It's all bad, but you know what I mean.
SPEAKER_03No one loves divorce. In fact, we're going to start because no one gets married thinking one day, I hope I get divorced. So I think that's another piece we have in common. The jarring piece is the fact that it's a severing of a relationship. How jarring of this severing does matter. And it's why I think there is a difference that you're speaking to around the more high conflict divorces. I'm excited to get into that course in the spring because it is different. We have, I'm going to go ahead and say, a lot more trauma in those situations. Yes. The more collaborative, as you're calling them, divorces hopefully are less traumatic. They're not always necessarily less sad because there's so many more in a grief sense. There's so many dynamics that are still at play. We're still losing something. Even if I've agreed to it, we've talked it through, we've decided this just isn't a good idea. We are still losing something we thought we would have. Or a vision of it. A vision of it. Exactly. That's the I thought we would be doing this, and we're not.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_03You know the most avoided emotion in all humans. We think it's things like anger, because we're trying not to be angry. Suppress it or suppress it. Be happy. No, it's disappointment.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Our ability to tolerate disappointment is directly correlated to our ability to move through it.
SPEAKER_01If I don't my God, what a statement.
SPEAKER_03If I don't want to be disappointed, our ability, say our ability, go ahead to tolerate disappointment is directly correlated to our ability to move through it.
SPEAKER_00Wow.
SPEAKER_03If I want to avoid disappointment, I'm going to. I'm going to push it aside.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_03I'm going to push through to something else, and I'm not going to sit with it. And that's one of the biggest things I talk with women about who are even going through even an amicable divorce. Is you don't have to have enormous regret or horrific trauma, but are you sitting with your disappointment? Because that is going to be the gateway to your grief process. And you are losing something.
SPEAKER_01You are losing something has died. Your marriage has died.
SPEAKER_03Even when you chose it and you feel in charge of it back to that agency piece. Great. That's better in a sense. And what is happening with your disappointment?
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_03Past and future.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_03What are you not going to live out that you had hoped you would? And that's why it's one of the ones we have not one of it is the one we avoid the most disappointment is because on the other side of that is hope.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Can I tolerate hope? I'm only going to be able to do that if I have dealt with my disappointment.
SPEAKER_01You know, I I have so many friends who obviously, and because of the age that I'm at, I've experienced multiple divorces from my family, friends, you name it. And one of the things I found that was a kind of a common denominator, and I and I say this respectfully with women in my age group. So I'm in my mid-60s, is that because we were geared by that silent generation, those women that just they couldn't get divorced, they couldn't get credit cards, they couldn't own a home, they couldn't do anything. So those were our mothers. And I can remember at a very young age, and quite surprisingly, my mother was a very bright gal. And she always was like, You have to make your own income, you have to make your own earning, you have, because she was for so long solely dependent upon that world, you know, because the man just owned it. And this is not a this is not a dismissiveness against men or anything like that, but it's just a generation they grew up in. So she had the wherewithal to say, you need to do these things for yourself, which is thank God she did. Thank God she did. Because, you know, I love I've had more than one marriage, and I've always been able to come out of these things with I'm I'm financially intact, you know, because of that sound advice that she gave me. But one of the things I also noticed, because we came from the silent generation, many of us didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings. Like we didn't want to hurt our spouse's feelings. So we never even spoke authentically, you know, where the pitfalls even were in our relationship because we didn't want to hurt them, you know, and it could be a physical appearance because as our men age and they get their dad bobs, and it's like, oh, well, like what happened to you? You know, but I'm supposed to stay looking in a certain way or whatever. You know, we were still on the tail end of all that crap. So I guess my question to you is do you find that a lot inside of your practice? Where, you know, are women now, even younger women, so younger than me, 20 years younger than me, you're 20 years younger than me. Are they finding their voice inside of their relationships? Are they going into relationships in a far more healthier space, other than, hey, you're gonna you're gonna get to this certain age and then you're gonna go to college, and then you're gonna go get married or whatever, and you're gonna have kids, and this is your life. I mean, we were at the tail end of that. So, and so, like, where are women today? You know, are they more are they do they do they have a voice, or is this still an ongoing plight? What are you seeing in your practice? I guess I should say.
SPEAKER_03Such a good question, because there's a generational answer, which I think overall, overall, yes. Women are speaking up more. I mean, culture has changed. Yeah, women, like you said, women are now able to buy homes and have credit and have a bank account, and all of that has empowered women in so many ways that yes, there is more voice. Yeah, I don't know how much that has shifted overall women's ability to really use their actual internal voice. Using my voice at work or even as a parent is one thing. But am I connected to me? Do I know my truth? Do I know why I'm here? And not just what I'm good at, but what I'm offering the world, what I'm offering my marriage, what I'm offering my job and my children and so forth. I think that's the harder part, and that's probably always been true because that's a human condition. We need to be comfortable with being curious about getting to know us and trusting us first before I'm able to even trust you or have any idea what I think about it. That's a conversation I have with clients a lot. When there's a lot of talk about, oh, out here my marriage is whatever it is, and not my job and my this and dah, and it feels very chaotic or ungrounded. I go, where are we coming from in here? What do we know? This is a phrase I use a lot with clients, and in my own life, all of the time. Okay, what do I know to be true and good about me no matter what? Oh, if that's something my job and my kids and my spouse can't take away or change no matter the story. There could be betrayal or divorce, or my mom generationally never taught me this or that.
SPEAKER_01Right, right.
SPEAKER_03What do I, no matter what, know to be true and good about me? Because that's the essence of me. That's maybe what some of us call like our soul or our core or our very brain. Right. And it is not up for grabs, right? And it can't be tainted by all of that outside stuff. It is true and good no matter what.
SPEAKER_01You know, it you I can see, I can see a why you're a really good therapist, because I I love, I love, I I I just love the path structure that you the journey that you take your clients on and that whole self-discovery of that. And I love all the different ways in which you challenge them inside of that. Um as you as you begin to help women through this stage of rebuilding, you know, life after a silver divorce, you know, um, as they begin to start to find their footing, um what are some of the things uh with uh some of the things that you can offer as um some skills or or some activities or something that a woman listening to today's conversation, as long as she has a pen and a paper, like what would be like a couple of her starting points to just say, let me ask this question of myself.
SPEAKER_03I love this, and there's so much to it, but I might try to. Yeah, yeah, it's big, it's big, it's big, yeah. I highly suggest when we have a huge, tumultuous shift in our life circumstances, that we come up with guiding principles for navigating that ship. So I may or may not have known what my guiding principles were before. And they're probably things that we don't necessarily write down. I'm gonna be a good mom, I'm gonna be a patient spouse, I'm gonna I would come up with if not new ones, then revamped ones because you're starting something new and fresh. Even if you can't see it yet, I think of the poet Rumi who says, uh as you start to walk, the way appears.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_03So you as you're starting to walk, what are your guiding principles?
unknownYes.
SPEAKER_03And you're gonna want to pick a handful, not 12. That's distracting, and we can't keep those in mind, but ones that you come back to over and over and over again. And it could be things like you're not alone. And then live out and find ways that you can believe that. Practice it. If I'm really not alone, what does that look like? I'm gonna reach out to a friend, I'm gonna join a community group or uh something, you know. I'm gonna practice not being alone like I believe it.
SPEAKER_01Um I love this.
SPEAKER_03Coming back to yourself might be one. If I really believe in coming back to me, what does that mean? What is that gonna look like? What am I discovering about me? Maybe it is something I have a lot of clients who say, I am here because I want to come back to myself. I want to find my voice, I want to build trust with me. So maybe it's going to therapy. A big one that I suggest putting on your list is getting in your body. Get in your body, and that's not something as women I think we find very easy to do. No, unless we practice it and we have some help and guidance and so forth to do that. But our bodies are our only landing place, exactly. It's coming with me wherever I go next. Exactly, and it tells me things, it has a lot of wisdom, it has this whole computer file of all of my stuff that got me to today, right? And it's also going to build files for the future. And this is the one I've got to work with. What is it telling me? And all of that, yeah, all of these guiding principles, they're going to build trust in me. They're going to help me believe in myself and build that agency and answer that question, who am I?
SPEAKER_01Right. I I love this so much, and I'm gonna tell you just from my own experience, one of the biggest things that got me through my divorce was yoga. To your point. Absolutely, yes. Getting into your body, yoga and long hot showers. Yes, the second walks and long walks and long walks. I'll I'll share something funny with you, and this wasn't by design, by any stretch of the imagination. But in 2020, before COVID hit, I had decided that I was, I was, I was, I was, I quit drinking, you know, it's just I just wanted to have a year of sobriety. Um, I was a social drinker, you know. I mean, there wasn't not issues, but I just wanted a year of sobriety. You know, I wanted to know what my body felt like. So I go into the year of COVID, and then COVID hits, and this is the year that I stopped drinking. And it's like, well, that's very serendipitous and weird. And then, you know, and my marriage was gradually falling apart in that time too. And I ended up getting divorced in like I think 2022. Um, but like I realized now everything sort of started building upon itself to lead me down the path that I ended up on. When I think because I had made the decision to stop drinking, to do that, and then when my year was up, it was like, God, I love how I feel in my body. I love how my body feels, you know, because I, you know, it was just healthier. It was, you know, I just is healthier.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01So then when my my all of the stuff happened with my divorce, I also am a yoga teacher. So I was teaching classes, teaching and taking classes. And I'm telling you, you know, without you even having to think, because you do need to think and you need to process all of this stuff, but it is very nice to have another pathway, a long walk, a trailing, a hiking. I mean, you're your gorgeous state alone. You can you can pull off on the road and hit a trail everywhere. So, you know, but just that movement, that movement because we are we are so detached from our bodies, and we are so detached from nature that if we can get these two things back online for no other purpose, other than it is a support inside of that process. So I just want to say, big advocate of that.
SPEAKER_03I love that so much, and your word movement feels so important because this is such a trauma foundational like principle, but our trauma gets stuck. And so our jarring, as I've been calling it, divorce impact can get stuck. And if I'm not moving through it physically on a walk or doing yoga or engaging, then I'm not releasing it and it's gonna stay stuck. I couldn't be more with you. Moving it through your body is one of the biggest things you can do, even if you don't really know what it's doing up here, like I can't really make sense of it. Go on a walk, move.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely, yeah, absolutely, and to whatever that is that feels comfortable for you, and whatever your practice is, but find a practice of something. I'm about to add that too.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Find a practice make it gentle.
SPEAKER_03Make it gentle. You don't have to like join orange theory and like do something real intense. Yeah, you don't what is walking is so healing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you don't need to go powerlifting, you don't need to do any of that. And be kind to your body too. Your butt like this whole thing is about being kind to you mentally, emotionally, physically, you know. Oh, this is beautiful. All right. So we're gonna wind down and I'm gonna ask you, you know, um, we're coming to a close here. I think I might have a couple more questions for you. But for a woman watching today, right now, she's she's she's like, I am there, I am in this, I am, I'm I'm either just beginning it, I'm contemplating it, I'm halfway through it, I'm on the other side of it, and I'm still, you know, like I'm just like, ah, what do you want her to know? What do you want her to know? What do you want her to take away from this?
SPEAKER_03First and foremost, I know I've said it, but it's so important to know you're not alone. Hundreds of thousands of women have gotten divorced, and hundreds of thousands still will. And you're and this is part of what I love that Silver Awakening is offering is like there needs to be more community and connection around this. So seek out connection, seek it with yourself in some of the ways we've already mentioned it. Seek it with others who feel safe and that you can trust that you do not have to do this alone is a starting point. Another one that comes to mind is to remember that this is a process and a long one. Yes, no one actually gets divorced overnight, not really, no, but it takes a long time. And I don't mean just the signing of the papers, I mean the decision leading up to it, the actual divorce, and then afterwards, it just takes a long time. So give yourself lots and lots of space and grace and grieve. Grieve as much as you can. Yes, but moving through the grief is so important, and it's one that we like to jump over because it's right next door to disappointment. I don't super want to have to do it. But when we are going through such a huge identity change, we need to. We need to be shedding things that no longer serve us and making the conscious choice to take on things that do. And in that context, know that you can.
SPEAKER_01You can do right, right.
SPEAKER_03There's so many times in my own process, I'm like, I don't think I can do this. I don't know if I'm strong enough.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_03You are strong enough, you will make it.
SPEAKER_01Well, you know, that pathway back to you, because you could be discovering too for the first time when you're not attached to all of the everything else, that there are dreams in there. There are things, you know, it is not too late. You're just you're just beginning a brand new chapter. And as somebody who is post-a-divorce and of a very long divorce, I can tell you it is survivable. It it we all survive it. It's just how are you going to survive it? What are you gonna do for yourself inside of that? And you know, that to your point, and thank you so much, because Silver Awakening was absolutely birthed from the two founders, Diane Manning and Sharon Ryan's divorce experience, is how this company got founded. Because we both experienced it from very different playing fields. And yet, you know, and our whole thing was we never want a woman to feel like she's alone because you're not. You are not alone. And that grieving part, and we didn't spend a lot of time on this, but I think that that is so mission critical because you cannot just like a leapfrog jump over that. In fact, you know, grief is one of the, it's one of the, it's it's a horrible emotion to sit in. But if you can allow yourself the space to sit and to generally, I mean, really like ugly cry grief it out. I mean, just whatever. And don't be ashamed of that because those emotions come in waves. Like, you know, I can remember the first time I went to Lowe's. Now I know that that's a really stupid thing post post-divorce, post when my ex moved out. But my relationship, we did everything together. This was like my my person. We did all of the weird little benign everything, grocery store, Lowe's, you name it. I am literally walking through the Lowe's parking lot with my cart, and I start bawling. I'm I'm devastated because it's like, I don't have him here. He's my my person's not here. And I know it's so stupid because it's Lowe's, and I think I was going in to buy a can of paint or something, but it was like, oh my God, it hit me so hard. And you know what? I had to turn around and get in my car. I was like, nope, we are gonna sit in this and we're gonna go through this, and you're gonna walk those aisles and wipe your eyes dry. And you know what? There was a woman who worked in Lowe's who must have noticed that I was a little weeby.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And she's like, Can I help you? Oh, I know what it was. I needed tools. You took all the tools. I needed like a hammer and screwdriver, whatever. I was like, I don't know. I just I don't even know what I need. I I think I might need a drill. And she goes, Well, are you building something? I was like, No, but I I need some tools. My husband took my ex husband took all the tools. She put together the cutest little Girl toolkit for me. Like in just in that moment and being vulnerable. And there was another human being who obviously, without understanding, knew I was upset. But vulnerability. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. And this community will hold you all day long inside of that. This one right here.
SPEAKER_03You know, I love that story so much for so many reasons. I know. But it reminds me of something I want to make sure I share. Okay. Which is just this, it's a very simple concept, but it's so profound. It's this idea that grief and joy often exist at the same time.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yes, they do.
SPEAKER_03And I remember people telling me in the beginning of my divorce process, things like, oh, don't worry, after the grief will come joy. I'm like, maybe. I don't know if I believe you or if I can see it yet. What is more true is that it happens at the same time, so often. So you're looking in lows and you don't know what you need, and you're in your tears, and there's some grief coming out. And here comes this woman who provides. And you might not have called it that at the time. That's joy.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03That is beauty.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And they get to happen at the same time. So even if someone listening right now isn't ready to hear that or feel that, right? It still just turns out that's the way it works. And noticing both feels really important. And honoring to our own selves and our process.
SPEAKER_01Right. Well, I'm a big advocate. I believe, I believe that the universe always supports us. And I believe that the universe always puts people in the path at the exact time that we need them. And you know, and I always believe that if you hold on to that level of faith, it's going to happen. You know, you're you're going to be okay. Your tribe will show up, your teachers will show up, that perfect therapist will show up, that gentle, kind human being that sees another person having a bad day. And like, let's have some fun with this and create you the best girl toolkit that ever existed, you know. And believe it or not, I don't use tools at all. I am very bad with tools, but you know, I have my girl toolkit. So you have your kit, and you could if you wanted to. I'm ready. Okay, if you were to give one pearl of wisdom, and I'm gonna ask you to draw back without sharing your experience, but draw back because you're divorced on divorce. Many of us that are in Silver Awakening are. If you could give one pearl of wisdom that came from your own experience, what would that be to somebody else? Just the one, huh? Yeah, I know there's a thousand, but yeah, you can come in a chance.
SPEAKER_03That's all right. Um, a big one that's coming to mind. This was another one I was not ready to hear in the beginning, but you don't know what you're missing. You don't know that once you get to know yourself, once you trust yourself, once you build your own identity from your own choice, you really don't know how good it can be because you already are good and beautiful and wonderful and wild and incredible. And usually coming out of divorce, we're not convinced of that at all. We're like, look at this story, and there's so much brokenness and there's grief, and I've got to muddle through it. All that is true, and it's not just that there's goodness on the other side, it's that part where it's already in you, and the more you get to know it and spend time with it, yeah, the more you open up to a whole you that you might not have known was there. Right. She's incredible. That is an actual guarantee. She is incredible.
SPEAKER_01She is magnificent.
SPEAKER_03So let yourself do the grieving, yes, and the hardship, and hold out some hope that she is magnificent already, and you'll see more and more of her in the mirror every day.
SPEAKER_01That is so beautiful, love. Well, I'm going to just reiterate this amazing woman manages the silver circle on divorce and separation. Kay is also developing a gorgeous course for us. Kay, you will be seeing Kay a lot inside of our organization because she's doing all kinds of fun things. So, in our closing, Kay, from the bottom of my heart, I adore you. I love your wisdom. You you're just you are a remarkable woman. And I thank you so much for taking the helm and walking the people that will be joining us through this particular transition and maybe others down the road, but thank you. And thank you for sharing your time with me today.
SPEAKER_03It's truly an honor, Sharon. Thank you. Thank you for having me.
SPEAKER_01Thank you. And as I say, as our time draws to a close, please always remember keep healing, keep transforming, keep thriving, and remember a silver sage isn't an age, it's an awakening. Bye for now. Thank you, Ken.
